The boutique allure of [removed by editor].

Jeffrey Goldberg helps decipher the meaning of famous song lyrics.

A reader’s question:

Do you remember the scene in Meet the Parents in which Ben Stiller shocks Robert De Niro by telling him that “Puff, the Magic Dragon” is really about marijuana? Well, I’m that Robert De Niro character. For some reason, I don’t get the hidden references of important songs. For instance, I was shocked to learn that the Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” is about a vibrator. Could you tell me what else I’m missing in famous pop and rock songs?

B.F., Philadelphia, Pa.

Goldberg’s answer:

Dear B.F.,

You are missing quite a bit. While the lyrics of many songs are fairly straightforward–the AC/DC canon contains little in the way of ambiguity or poetic complexity, and 2Live Crew’s “Me So Horny” is about a man who is, in fact, very horny–I myself am continually surprised to learn the hidden meanings embedded in other works. For instance: Bob Dylan’s “Tambourine Man” is actually a Minnesota Vikings fight song. “Heart of Gold,” by Neil Young, is about the boutique allure of midget porn. The entire Justin Bieber oeuvre concerns the secret shame of knowing that he is a terrible musician and, never theless, fabulously wealthy. Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” is about heroin. Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb” is about heroin. The Beatles’ “Hey Jude” is about heroin. Lou Reed’s “Heroin” is about cocaine. Eric Clapton’s “Cocaine” is about the earned-income tax credit. If you play Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” backward, it asks you to subscribe to The Atlantic. The Nirvana song “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is about carbohydrates (“Here we are now/ with potatoes/ with a Mars bar/ and potatoes”). “Stairway to Heaven” is not about anything.

The year of sleaze and The Bulge.

There are two “Year in Review” articles that are must-reads each January. One of them is by Dave Barry, who always leaves me in stitches. (The other will be shared when it is published soon.)

This was a year in which journalism was pretty much completely replaced by tweeting. It was a year in which a significant earthquake struck Washington, D.C., yet failed to destroy a single federal agency. It was a year in which the nation was subjected to a seemingly endless barrage of highly publicized pronouncements from Charlie Sheen, a man who, where you have a central nervous system, has a Magic 8-Ball.This was a year in which the cast members of Jersey Shore went to Italy and then — in an inexcusable lapse of border security — were allowed to return.

Read the full thing here.

97% Lean

Source.

wHaTeVeR YoU cAlL tHiS.

Key Technical Matters of emailing at work.

1. Ask yourself if you would CC yourself. Easy with the CC.

2. BCC says more about you than the person you’re BCC’ing.

3. BC: One of the all-time great comic strips.

4. Not only should you assume that every e-mail you send will get forwarded to someone else, you should assume that every e-mail you send will someday be read aloud in a court of law. Discretion.

5. If your message is less than seven words, put it in the subject line.

6. An e-mail signature should not involve words of wisdom. Not Aristotle. Not Gandhi. Not Hayley Williams of the chart-topping rock band Paramore.

7. Unless someone’s in grave danger, no exclamation points.

8. Related: Grave danger is best addressed via a medium other than e-mail.

9. ALL CAPS. No.

10. small caps. No.

11. wHaTeVeR YoU cAlL tHiS. Absolutely not.

12. When in need of a font that’s a little bit fun, a little bit earnest: look to Helvetica.

13. Verdana? Please.

Source.

Also in video form.

Woman = Problems

Source unknown.

The best typos of the year.

More at the link.

What does a monkey do with an AK-47?

No comment offered.

Vámanos

The most illegal wrestling move ever

First of all, I’d like to thank you, the readers of TOTPS, for another good month. Readership was up over 100% from October to November! Second, a little gift for you. Enjoy!

How to deliver a really good toast at a holiday party.

Key Technical Matters

The toast should come early. Maybe it’s not the first thing, but it should happen near the beginning.

It’s OK to yell at people to get them to be quiet.Anyway, whatever follows “Shaddup!” will seem magnanimous by comparison.

You have to be standing up.

You have to hold your drink chest-high during the entire toast.

If, while holding your drink chest-high during the entire toast, your arm gets tired, then it’s probably time to wrapit up. Arm fatigue is a natural toast timer.

Stay in one place. Leave “working the room” to the motivational speakers.

Any sort of “traditional Irish toast” that you found on the internet is not recommended. Hearing “May neighbors respect you, trouble neglect you, angels … inspect you” (or whatever it is the angels do to you in that toast) is not all that inspiring or touching outside of a cozy pub in Campbelltown.

If your boss is in the room, do not poke fun at your boss during the toast.

If your boss is not in the room, do not poke fun at your boss during the toast.

If you are the boss, you may poke fun at yourself.

Do not use the term “poke fun” during a toast.

Or at any other time.

When in doubt, say: “Cheers to us and screw everybody else.” That always works.

A single word of guidance: pithy.

More at the source.